I need nudging. So, so much do I need nudging. I am trying different medications, I constantly have a new shiny system in place which will totally-work-this-time-and-I-will-stick-with-it-and-it-will-mean-that-I-never-forget-things-or-let-people-down- again.
But, in the meantime until that mythical land is my reality... nudge me.
I don't forget you because I think I am more important than you. I don't not reply because I don't like you or don't care or don't think you matter. I don't agree to do something for you and have no intention of ever doing it. I don't think that you don't need thanks and that you should just give me things because I rock.
I forget. I lose things. I have all the best intentions in the world but my stupid fcked up brain won't hold it in there. That's why people get Thank You cards in October after Carys's birthday that encompasses all of our birthdays throughout the year. That's why you have three weeks between text conversations.
It is the thing that I hate about myself, the thing that makes me say and think every negative thing to myself that I would never even consider thinking about anyone else. I know that it can hurt people, and I would never, ever do that intentionally.
So, if I have said I will make plans with you and then haven't... nudge me. If I have said I will find a cravat pattern <totally not looking at Stray and Amy>... nudge me. If I have said I will post you something, say, like a colouring magazine <totally not looking at Staci>... nudge me. If I have said I will mend something for you and you haven't seen it back... nudge me. If a birthday is coming up that I need to remember... nudge me.
I'm not going to take offence at it (so long as you don't nudge me 12 times a day), I am going to be thankful that you understand me well enough to accept that this is who I am.
Yes, I am aware that there are plenty of grown ups who can live their lives without nudging. There are plenty of grown ups who can heal a puppy that has been hit by a car, who can spend their days teaching children to read. There are also plenty of grown ups who can't sew on a button, or make a dress from scratch, or hold a crying child for however many hours without sleep.
Saw Cinderella this week (that isn't at all related to nudging... mind hopped... whoda thunk it?). Have courage, and be kind.
Everyone is battling something. Everyone needs help. Just be kind.
The quote that stood out the most to me though, was this one.
This blog can be hard sometimes. Telling people that I suck, what my failings are, it's a very scary thing to do. But at the same time, I have learnt over the past few years that we all wear masks, some more than others, and some more hiding us than others. Showing people who we truly are is a huge risk. If someone does show you, never abuse it.