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Anxiety and Depression; semi colons.

A & D have been about my entire life.  Sometimes they just lurk in the background.  Sometimes they go out drinking and forget where they live for a while. Sometimes they bounce about on my shoulders like two toddlers bouncing on a bed.

This week has been a Bad Week.

Probably a whole load of factors triggered it, but I am really struggling to shift it.

You know that moment when you see someone about to fall over and your stomach lurches and you tense in the instinct to catch them (assuming everyone has that and it's not just something that the overly anxious has...).  This week, that feeling has been how I have felt inside.

My head feels full of cotton wool, the squeaky kind.

I'm looking round my house knowing everything that needs to be done, but it then becomes too overwhelming so I hide from it in my duvet nest.  That then brings on the guilt that I am an active, healthy woman who is too lazy to get the dishes put away.  But it isn't "lazy",  my brain is taking over and stopping me.  But the guilt makes it worse, so I want to hide more.

I hate my brain like this, so I don't want to be alone with it whispering to me.  So, I make plans.  I will see people.  I will see the people who bring me my happy.

But then I get there, and realised that I am now around people and my brain is a mess and I don't have the capability of interacting, and I want to hide in a little bubble and run away back home.

Sometimes I realise that in advance and cancel the plans with really weak excuses.  Honesty about why I want to cancel seems wrong and weak.  Lying to my friends is a terrible thing.  It's a vicious circle.

Today I am still in that space.  I want to hide from everyone and everything.  But I don't want to be alone.  I want my babies back from their dad, but I want to be alone.


I love the idea of Project Semicolon 

"A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life."

Take a pause, breathe, then continue your sentence.

I don't know how long my current pause will be.  When it is happening, it feels like it will never end, but I know from each time it has happened that it does end.  I will catch my breath and my story can continue.

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