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Pause

I need to pause.

I've posted about Project Semicolon before, about depression and understanding that it isn't the end, it's just a pause.

My brain is a sucky unbalanced thing.  I take medication to fix that, but, because the human body is an ever changing thing, sometimes it doesn't work out as planned.

I take my ADHD meds and can be fine, unless I am at the period stage of a cycle, and then whichever the hell hormone it is that shoots up then (progesterone??) makes my body utterly ignore the meds and I have no focus at all.

I don't know what the cycle is with the depression.  The gaps are too spaced out for hormones, but I haven't ever kept enough note of it to see what pattern there is.  All I know is that I can be fine.  I will have the normal ups and downs of the overly emotional woman, but everything is in colour and I am in the world properly.

Then it all fades.  My Glinda bubble fills with grey and I can't get out.  I have this barrier between me and life.  It feels like it will never end.  It feels overwhelming and suffocating.

know that it does end.  It's normally a fortnight maximum before everything evens out, but right now, a fortnight feels like a lifetime.

The bubble is so full.  I know that my babies are outside it, that they need me to be in the real world.  I know that my house needs me to be able to see it.  I know that Furball needs me to be able to come out of it.

My heart tells me that it is OK.  It won't be forever, I'm not permanently damaging my relationships, I'm not a total failure.

My brain though, that amazing broken thing, yells louder.  It thinks my heart is a moron because it knows that all my children will remember is the wasted days of summer, that the sofa lost under the pile of washing is a sign that I have failed as a person, that having to look for anything to wear in the mountain is neglect.  My brain tells me that my partner resents me for not pulling myself together.  That he wants to leave me because I can't see beyond myself.

So, right now I have a semicolon drawn on my wrist.  It is there to remind me that it isn't the end.  This isn't how it will always be.  This is a pause.  My life will return to normal.

It's just a pause... semicolon

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