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The words won’t come
I've wanted to blog for weeks. It's like an itching inside my brain, I just want to relieve it. But it's not happening. I can't seem to find the words or what I want to say. I could talk about depression and recovery there of. I could talk about study. I could talk about summer. Plans with the kids. Rargh with the kids. Fcking cancer taking friends. I could even talk about Daddy Dating! But it's not there. Normally for a bit before I blog it has been running round my head. The post is formed and edited for a while inside. It tells me what should be coming out, then just falls onto the page. It just isn't happening though. Vague topics float up but not the words. Why are they hiding from me? I'm on a high dose of antidepressants at the moment, could that cause the block? I originally blamed the black dog, but he's currently snoozing in his basket. Maybe I'm just dull. Maybe the words are gone? I don't like this feeling. Not writing through depression or lethargy makes sense to me. It just not being there doesn't make sense. I'm using Instagram in an attempt to find my voice in pictures, like going back to learning to read. Pictures always feels more "look at me!" than words though. Reading my posts is a decision people make, pictures are kind of forced on you though. I'm working on the house. It's a very gradual process, but maybe if my home feels right, the words will come back? You're currently thinking "she's writing now... Why's she bitching?". But this is just writing. It's not Words. There's no flow, no plan, no inspiration. It's not even just an emotional brain dump. It's flat. It's a child who has been forced to learn piano as opposed to a symphony orchestra who love their music. Meh. Maybe this writing will bring the Words. Maybe I'll get an awesome house before they return... If they return. More likely I'll watch 254906 episodes of Project Runway first though. I don't even know what to put as an image, and a post without an image is just weird. I know, have the picture that made my heart to the swelling thing and a small tear of love form...

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