There are memes out there, "One day you came in from playing outside, and never went back out to play", "One day your mum put you down and never picked you up again"... Both make me sad, that loss of something undefined. It's like with crisps or maltesers, you eat the last one without realising and then you have soul crushing disappointment. Or poor Phil in the jungle when Lil decided that they weren't eating bugs any more. Last night I had a dream about a childhood friend, and upon waking these memes came back to me, and it suddenly occurred to me that one day, I had my last conversation with people. I didn't know it was happening. I have no idea why it stopped happening. How do we just stop talking with people who have been huge parts of our lives? Some of them end up on our Facebook, but then they are generally just faces, still no interaction. The names are changed to protect the
guilty innocent but not drastically, so that if by some chance they see this, they will know they impacted me.
The dream last night was about Luna. Her parents worked near me, we would see each other every weekend and most days after school. She was my best friend when my parents divorced. She was my best friend as we moved on to secondary school. We never went to school together, but somehow something shifted when we moved to secondary. New friendship groups? More freedom meaning she didn't have to be in the area? Changing personalities? I have no idea now. All I know is that one day, we must have had our last conversation. That doesn't mean that I ever forgot her though. When Michael Jackson announced his last tour in 2009 I wondered if she would buy tickets. When he died, I wondered how she felt. I see Street Fighter and think of her. I have no fear of rottweilers because of her. I see my son interacting with the parrot, and want her to know how good he is with him.
Then there was Rosy, we were close for years, and then drifted somehow, I think the end of primary school. Again, no reason, no rows, just one day it was our last conversation. She was awesome, why did we stop speaking? Was it my choice, was it hers? Does she have the life she dreamed? What has happened in the passing years?
Even my primary school crush - what was my last conversation with him? (Other than never ever telling him that I worshiped him).
Molly was different in some ways. I didn't know it was the end when we first lost contact, again, no idea how or why, I suspect possibly boyfriend related? The last time I spoke to her though was a year or so later, we made small talk, agreed to definitely meet up, but I knew... I knew that was our last conversation. I knew the meet up wouldn't happen. I hear songs, and I think of her. I want her to know my kids. I want her to know Furball (he is very aware of this after a drunken snotty night sobbing to songs). But again, the last conversation happened. It just slipped by.
How does this happen? I like to think that one day they will return to my life, but I don't actually believe it. I have agreed with the concept of "Friends for a reason, season, or lifetime" for a long time, and feel that this is why those last conversations had to happen, our time of influence was over, but it doesn't stop that ache. The feeling that something remains missing.
Am I that ache to someone else? Does Pretty Fly for a White Guy play somewhere and someone's soul miss me?
I am now looking at my friends now and wondering if we will have a last conversation? Will I know?
Why do some people leave that ache, and others not? Maybe the soul is a tangible thing and once you mix yours, sometimes they cannot be truly separated. Maybe I am just overly sentimental.
I hope that if I am that gap for other people, then I remember them fondly when they ache.