I've mentioned before that hormones send my brain into chaos. It is frustrating as hell as no matter what tried and tested methods I use, it stubbornly refuses to work. Today was my first day since diagnosis of experiencing it at work. It must have happened pre-diagnosis but I suspect that where I am now aware of it, I am more frustrated by it. I tried every method going, but my brain point blank refused to generate any ideas or to write with any semblance of skill. I don't know how to reconcile it though. In my mind I have failed. I should lose my job and never work again as I clearly cannot be trusted. The rational voice is piping up "what about the days when you hyperfocus and do three days worth in one?" But that is other days. Not today. Today is the one I have failed to produced anything. (I did spend time reading up to be able to write tomorrow). To add to the fail, hyperfocus kicked in after work and I didn't have any awareness of Strawb saying goodnight, and I didn't tuck her in... Which clearly means I failed as a mother. Reading some Pep Talks by Lin-Manuel Miranda (thanks to my amazing Baby Hedgehog friend) and trying to snap myself out of this. One of the things I love most from them is this:
I don't have a book of quotations Or wisdom I pull from the shelf; Most often the greetings I wish you Are the greetings I wish for myself. So if I write "relax," then I'm nervous, Or if I write, "cheer up," then I'm blue. I'm writing what I wish somebody would say, Then switching the pronoun to you.I love reading them knowing that he woke up that day feeling the same way I did. I like the idea that my words for me might help someone else.