At the beginning of May, I came off my antidepressants (chill, I did it gradually... Not my first rodeo). I didn't feel like mine were doing their thing, so I was going to try a different type that is meant to be good for fibro too...(yeah, I've kinda accepted that is a thing). So, I came off mine, and I felt good. I wasn't in a swirling pit of darkness! I decided that I wouldn't go onto the new ones, and I would try life au naturel. Maybe my brain had figured out the serotonin thing. Throughout the summer I have had many discussions with the Hairy One about being off my meds. He felt it wasn't working. But I wasn't in a big black hole. My bubble wasn't filled with smoke. Clearly he was misinterpreting my actions, because I was good. My biggest brat moved away at the start of September. I expected to be upset. I expected to miss her. I did not expect to plummet into darkness, worry, and paranoia. Days passed and instead of finding a new normal, I just fell further. I made the call to see my GP. He was away for a few weeks, but I figured that would give me time to work out if it was just me dealing badly with the change, or if it was my brain chemistry. A week later, and it was getting worse. The Hairy One convinced me to let him call the Dr again, and talk to any of them rather than wait for my chosen one... So... I am on day 3 of the new meds. I don't know if it is placebo, but I feel better. Part of me says they're meant to kick in in a week or so, but the other part says I'm experiencing side effects from them, so why can't they be affecting my brain already? Feeling better is making me think more clearly though. I'm looking back on the summer, and realise that my adamance that I was fine was based on me not being enshrouded in darkness... To me, depression is the blackness. I couldn't see that it is more than that, that the serotonin can be awol without being at rock bottom. Why though? Why do I tell everyone else that there is nothing wrong with antidepressants, and yet my determination to try a few months without them was purely to not be on medication. There was no medical reason to stop them. Just the desire to not take them. What would happen if I did that with my thyroid meds?? Then it would be my body that needed tlc and fixing. Now it is my relationship that needs tlc and fixing. I am angry with myself for causing this, but it is normal angry, not a big noose of guilt and self loathing. It's going to be gradual, but I should be coming back to myself soon, just bear with me a bit longer.