I think one of the most understated thing about chronic depression is the fear. It never leaves you. Or at least, I've not found anyone or has left.
You finally admit to yourself that you have depression. Why that takes so long in itself is a mixture of stigma, plus the depression itself whispering to you that depression means you failed, or that you're not depressed, you're just lazy, or that it's not paranoia, you are just that much of a burden.
But anyway, you've finally admitted it, you've begun treatment in some form, and you have found something that is helping. You begin to start seeing the world in colour again. But then you hit a bump.
Things begin to get grey.
Is this "normal" stress? Is it the depression back?
You've lived so long with depression, you don't know what is normal and what is depression? Should you be able to cope with this? Do you need to adjust your medication?
The fear that it is the depression is huge. But so is the fear that maybe it's not and you just suck at handling life and being a grown up.
Do you see a doctor and try to catch it early, or do you power through and see if it is just that you need to cope better?
I don't know where that line is. I don't know what is normal.
I started new meds at the end of September, and they have been incredible. But now I am struggling. I can't focus on my uni work. I'm falling further and further behind both at home and at uni. I'm struggling even more than normal with peopling. Do I need a dose adjustment or just to work on my coping skills?
I don't know. I guess I'm going to have to decide soon. But I'm scared, and that feeling never leaves.